i don't believe in working on myself

a case against becoming a better person

I want to talk about a really specific mindset hurdle I’ve had to overcome.

The reason I say this is specific is because I think more often we hear from the perspective of those who struggle to believe they can, and that has just never been my ministry. I’ve always been an enormous dreamer, with an aggressive appetite for success and I always assumed that I could have whatever I wanted— the homes, the successful businesses, the mega-yacht as a push present, the celebrity boyfriend (whom I no longer want).

That’s not where this is headed.

What I want to talk about is this pattern I had to overcome of moving the goalpost by always working towards becoming worthy of the things that I wanted instead of just …thinking I was worthy of the things that I wanted.

My issue was never belief. My issue was the belief that I hadn’t earned having it in the now.

stop trying to fit the bill

I told myself I needed the right shoe, the right bag, the right apartment with southern lighting, the right hairstyle; to get back to my smart-lipo’d pandemic body, to be able to slide into those light-wash Re/Done jeans I refuse to sell—only then would everything click!

What the fuck was that?

Plot twist: even when you get those things you’ll still find a way to push the goalpost out once again!!! Even when I had everything I wanted it didn’t stop me from thinking I had to work on becoming more more more. I was rarely satisfied with who I was, wholly, in the present.

At the end of 2020 I moved into the best loft in all of Philadelphia—that had a literal rock climbing wall, mind you —(which I never climbed by the way) because I told myself having this thing would motivate and encourage me to create more. I don’t even think I made 20 videos in that apartment before I moved to LA a few years later. I certainly didn’t write anything. I did book more plastic surgery consultations.

I told myself the same lies when I got to LA.

Maybe I’ll be more motivated to show up when I move from Downtown to WeHo.

What do you think I did when I got to WeHo? Girl, I was so full of shit.

I just couldn’t sit still with myself!

It’s a harsh realization to come to that the reason you hesitate and hide behind more self-improvement is because you don’t accept yourself. Like I once did, you might think you accept yourself, but if you feel this constant need to work on things, you probably don’t.

Years of putting everyone else's voice and authority above your own will convince you that you have to be working towards becoming everything but who you are RIGHT NOW. You collect 99 opinions and next thing you know you're contorting yourself into 99 different people. At some point it gets exhausting being a damn shapeshifter. What’s so wrong about being you anyway? Are you in the Epstein files or something?

Like, literally it gets to a point.

Why create more time and distance between you and the things you want?

I don’t believe in working on myself because I don’t believe a lady has to prove her value through greater effort. I really hate this for women because too often we’re socialized to pick up another journal, or become a better person, or investigate the things we do to put others off. Do men do this? I don’t know a single person with a Y chromosome that is this introspective or that works overtime to fit the bill.

The truth of the matter is this—if you don’t accept yourself, you’re just always going to be waiting for your ships to come in. What are you going to pick up another journal in the meantime? Wait for a sign that things are on their way? Pathetic. More work and external validation can’t replace self-acceptance. And accepting yourself can’t be conditional. Further, it has to be radical. So you might as well settle into yourself.

Do it even if your lighting’s bad.